Journal

Welcome to my online journal, which I started in December 2002 after several very persuasive hints from friends. Although I obviously don't write about everything that happens in my life here, I hope it'll provide an insight into who I am and what's happening in my life - whether good, bad, happy or sad.

My Easter

Posted by Anna at 21:49 on Monday, April 21, 2003
I have to say that Easter has gone rather quickly. It doesn't feel like I've had 4 days off work, but I have!

As planned I went to the Easter services at my Church on Friday and Sunday - the first time I've been to Easter services there. Regardless, I find this time of year to be a very thought provoking and challenging time, and this year was no exception. After the Friday service I did indeed go to the park as I'd planned - but with my Bible rather than a novel. I didn't stay too long as it was a bit breezy and as a result I was getting cold (hormones again I guess) but I did learn something while I was there.

On Saturday the kids are I went to Pizza Hut for lunch and came back here to play afterwards. Watching my eldest son play with Lego in my room, I have to say he's getting more and more creative every week now. Just before we set off to take them home I sprung a little surprise on them - an Easter Egg each (always popular ).

For the last few days I've been thinking of walking to the nearby pub one evening and having a quiet drink on my own, more to prove to myself that I can do it than anything else (I badly need the confidence). On Sunday evening I managed to do exactly that, and I do feel better as a result. I took a book with me to read - so I didn't spend the whole evening watching people I didn't know and feeling self conscious.

It did though, reinforce that I've got to find some friends locally. I'll go slowly nuts if I don't.

Today...well I've been a lazy cow. The less said about that the better.

Oh well...back to work tomorrow....

Life, sexuality and the weekend

Posted by Anna at 22:03 on Thursday, April 17, 2003
This week's gone quickly. It's just as well really, as I need a chance to recover from last week!

Work is rather stressful at the moment as we've a product launch coming up...some days are interesting, others frustrating, upsetting and so on. If you've ever worked on a software project you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

It's now Thursday night and we've got 4 days off work due to the Easter break, so I'm sitting here in my room topless (hey - it's warm. why not?) chilling with a bottle of Asti and contemplating life, sexuality and the weekend.

What I find astonishing is that a year from now my surgery should be complete. Wow. I've been in touch with the clinic in Thailand, and ironically they're not scheduling "that far ahead" yet. The countdown will begin soon enough, and it can't come too soon as far as I'm concerned.

In particular, I feel more and more that my anatomy is holding me back now...it certainly makes me very wary of guys, and therefore less likely to get out socially unless I'm among friends I trust. That's especially frustrating as I've noticed that I'm being "appreciated" (for want of a better word) by guys more and more now...and it's a feeling I find I rather like. Who knows what the future will bring?

I'm still amazed at how my outlook on life and way I feel about things (and people) has changed - and how quickly. Everything before now seems like a bad dream to me.

It's the little day to day things that seem to mean the most now. Not having to pretend to be something I'm not...getting mail in my own name rather than the one I've carried all my life...being called "maam" ...and especially noticing guys eyeing me up.

I plan to take it easy this weekend. Tomorrow morning I'm going to the Easter service at my Church (a doubly special time for me as I came to Faith just before Easter), and tomorrow afternoon my plan is to take a book (Sally, by Freya North) to the park and find a shady tree to sit under. On Saturday afternoon I'm seeing the kids (I feel a picnic coming on!) which I'm really looking forward to, and Sunday and Monday I've nothing in particular planned.

I may be adventurous and walk to a local pub and enjoy my book with a breezer or two one early evening this weekend. If I can bring myself to do that, I feel it'll be a big step forward for me as the confidence to socialise freely is something I've always lacked.

This girl's learning a lot, and fast.

Three trips to London, one Dinner Party, and a whole pile of friends

Posted by Anna at 22:11 on Monday, April 14, 2003
What a frantic week...three trips to London, one Dinner Party, and a whole pile of friends. It certainly makes a change, and I love it! I must admit I'm rather worn out now, and the Bakerloo Line is starting to feel a little too familiar...

Never mind. It's been a fantastic week, and I wouldn't have missed a bit of it.

On Friday I travelled up to Earls Court to meet up with my friends Sam and Katie who were visiting from Humberside, and later my friend Karen who was visiting for the weekend. On Saturday we went into town as I had an appointment at the hairdressers, and on Sunday I went with her back to Paddington before taking the tube to Earls Court for my laser appointment (it was really painful this time...I think my skin's getting more sensitive).

I love meeting friends, and I think this week has given me that little bit more confidence too. I'm certainly getting there.

This morning my face was a mess as usual after laser treatment, so I'll keep a low profile for the rest of the week. This weekend (if the weather stays the way it's supposed to) I expect I'll end up relaxing in the park with a fun book and a happy smile.

Busy, busy, busy

Posted by Anna at 23:57 on Thursday, April 10, 2003
Last night I went to a meal with the Reading Beaumont group and it was simply stunning. It's going to take me at least a week to get my weight back down to where it was yesterday morning...

I had an interesting phone conversation this evening with a girl who wrote to me after seeing my website. By coincidence, in a few days she's flying out for surgery with the same clinic I'm hoping to go to next year - and she's already been there for Facial Feminisation Surgery. It was very useful to hear a firsthand account of the clinic and the people who run it. I'm even more convinced (if that's possible) that I've chosen the right surgeon.

By coincidence, I sent off an initial enquiry to the clinic just a couple of days ago, so we'll see what comes back. I specifically enquired what their opinion was of genital laser hair removal pre surgery, as that's something I'm seriously considering. The last thing I want is to have hair growing inside the vagiinal opening after surgery.

The rest of this week is going to be busy. Tomorrow I'm meeting more friends in London (one of whom I used to fight with when I was involved in re-enactment), and I'm really looking forward to seeing them. With a bit of luck I'll be able to persuade them to wander in the direction of Chinatown at lunchtime!

On Saturday I'm at the hairdressers getting pampered. Although I'm just having a wash and trim I love my hair being messed with so it's always a treat. My hair's in much better condition since I started going there too.

On Sunday I'm back at Christianos for laser treatment again - my 13th session. The stubble is being pretty stubborn, but I'm quite obviously winning now. How long it'll take to finish though, I've no idea...and even then, I have electro to look forward to to deal with the white hairs.

A big day for a friend approaches

Posted by Anna at 22:54 on Tuesday, April 08, 2003
Fantastic news! I rang my friend Siobhan tonight and she's got her date for surgery - 22nd May!! She's going to get one big hug off me when I see her tomorrow evening. I'm so happy for her.

My time will come soon enough too...

Still tearful and alone

Posted by Anna at 21:05 on Saturday, April 05, 2003
I'm still feeling alone and very tearful tonight (in fact it's been that way all day - but that's another story).

What makes it harder to bear is that I know I'm such an optimistic person with so much to give. Before transition I could handle loneliness by burying my feelings, but now that's changed and being alone every night is something I don't seem able to adjust to anymore.

I hope the tears stop soon.

Friday night alone

Posted by Anna at 22:35 on Friday, April 04, 2003
Well it's Friday night again and once again I'm sitting all alone in my room with only my laptop, my music and a few books for company.

It's a strange feeling after living with a partner for so long, and seems so unreal and mundane when I compare it to the rest of my life - especially since transition. I feel so loved by those around me (both near and far), and yet so alone. In all honesty, it really, really hurts.

Despite my emotional ups and downs though I know all too well I'm a fighter, and I won't let loneliness drive me down too far. All I have to do to cheer me up is think of my friends and how special they are.

I'd like to raise a toast (a rather nice Kreik...) to my friends. Thank you so much for being there.

No luck with Green - but a big surprise about funding of treatment

Posted by Anna at 23:04 on Wednesday, April 02, 2003
It's been a busy day at work so I haven't had much time to think about things today.

I'm still trying to get through to Richard Green with no success, so I've written to the Court Manager as suggested yesterday.

I have had some good news today though - an email from North Hampshire Primary Care Trust confirming that they have made arrangements to fund my consultations with Russell Reid and allow him to write NHS Prescriptions for me.

I'm still stunned. I'm hoping to write everything up in TS-UK and TS Chat tomorrow, as the approach I've taken could help others who are struggling. I certainly hope so.

It's also about time I booked my next appointment with Russell (the last one was on 4th January).