Journal

Welcome to my online journal, which I started in December 2002 after several very persuasive hints from friends. Although I obviously don't write about everything that happens in my life here, I hope it'll provide an insight into who I am and what's happening in my life - whether good, bad, happy or sad.

I hate sleeping alone when I feel like this

Posted by Anna at 22:55 on Friday, June 27, 2003
I'm feeling lonely and tearful tonight. I don't think there's any particular reason...it just happens from time to time.

I hate sleeping alone when I feel like this.

Time to start thinking about what I want to do - and when

Posted by Anna at 22:40 on Tuesday, June 24, 2003
I've had a reply from the clinic, and I have to say it's pretty comprehensive. It looks like I was almost spot on in the procedures I picked out too.

I need to do some serious thinking now about dates and surgical procedures...

The countdown starts now...but I've no idea when the big day will be yet

Posted by Anna at 16:36 on Sunday, June 22, 2003
Today's a big day, in a way...I've just (finally!) sent off the initial surgery enquiry to the Suporn Clinic with the obigatory mugshots (thanks Julia!), so now it's time to play the waiting game for a few days and see what happens.

After a couple of months of coasting along I get the impression that things might start happening a bit faster now. I hope so...all the isolation is driving me nuts at the moment, and something to concentrate on can only help. In the next week or two I'll be having a meeting at work with my immediate management etc. to give them an idea what to expect and when and how long I'll probably be off for. It helps that a friend I know from another group is now 8 wks post-op from the same clinic, so she's given me a good idea what to expect.

It certainly sounds very promising, although I've got a big decision to make - whether to have the FFS work done at the same time as GRS (well, actually it's 5-6 days afterwards) or whether to pay a return visit the following year. I'll see what the clinic says before deciding - I know it won't be a picnic either way though.

On a completely different note - on Wednesday evening I attended a very powerful and thought provoking talk given by a guy called Ian McCormack, who several years ago was stung by a Box Jellyfish, declared clinically dead, but amazingly survived the experience. To quote from the intro on his site:

Ian was night diving off the island of Mauritius when he was stung multiple times by Box Jellyfish, which are among the most venomous creatures in the world. His testimony relates how he clung to life while getting to hospital, was declared clinically dead soon afterwards, and how during this time he had an encounter with God, which radically changed the direction of his life.

His talk was inspirational and challenging, and I honestly can't do justice to it, but I'd strongly recommend reading his testimony.

No word from my Dad yet

Posted by Anna at 19:23 on Tuesday, June 17, 2003
It's a week since I've written, but I guess I haven't been doing much to write about. On Saturday I went to visit Siobhan and I'm happy to say she's positively glowing - but so tired all the time (not surprising at 3 weeks post-op). It was really good to see her again.

Sunday was of course Father's Day. I was hoping I'd hear from my Dad, but I'm sad to say it hasn't happened. I'm disappointed, but not particularly surprised...I guess they still aren't ready to know me.

Whenever I'm at my lowest, friends are there for me.

Posted by Anna at 23:16 on Sunday, June 08, 2003
It's been a turbulent weekend, but one that's reminded me just how much others care for and love me.

Yesterday afternoon my friend Julia came around and we went out and did a little shopping (for a change I didn't buy anything!) and then in the evening we went to a local pub for a meal. I got a few curious stares, but as she said she's well known there so that's not really surprising. Thank you hun.

Afterwards we talked a little about the situation at work and I started to feel upset again. Shortly afterwards I went home and (thankfully) fell asleep.

This morning when I went into Church I had another surprise. One of the other girls asked how things went in Court and when I told her she gave me a big hug (which I honestly didn't expect - it was a lovely surprise). Afterwards we had a social lunch (I even did some cooking for it!) which was fun - my concoction (a mushroom pasta dish; for once I resisted the urge to do a curry) went down rather well.

I feel so safe and accepted there now - truly part of the fellowship.

This afternoon...well I was on my own at home, fell asleep for a little while (it was a pretty big lunch!) then had a cry on the phone to a friend when I started to feel upset about the prospect of going back to work tomorrow again. I really am not looking forward to it, but what else can I do?

The only things I'm looking forward to this week are ringing my kids on Wednesday evening and seeing Siobhan (she's due for a big hug!) the same evening in Reading.

I thought I was stronger...but I was so wrong

Posted by Anna at 21:01 on Friday, June 06, 2003
After taking the day off sick yesterday I was feeling a little stronger so I went into work today thinking I could handle it.

I was wrong...adding the isolation I feel there (I work in an otherwise all male team, and in all honesty it feels like they treat me as sexless - maybe because they can't handle what I'm going through or the depth of feeling they know I'm capable of) to the pain I'm feeling from Wednesday...well I spent most of the day either verging on catatonic or crying at my desk.

In the end my boss sent me home - but he was the only one who asked me what was wrong. That hurts.

The worst thing is they don't know what to do to make things better. Rationally, I'd be mad to leave there, but emotionally I'm sinking fast. I've no peers, and no-one ever asks what's happening in my life. It makes everything else so much harder to bear - especially with the way I've been feeling since the Hearing on Wednesday.

Although I know there's so many people who love and care for me at times like this I feel so alone. Somehow I don't think I'm going to enjoy sleeping alone tonight.

There's always light somewhere though. Tonight it came from my friend Lisa after she read what I posted about today on TS-UK. Thank you for making me smile a little honey - you're one special girl, and I hope you find your love soon.

Boys Don't Cry

Posted by Anna at 23:33 on Sunday, June 01, 2003
Yesterday was a pretty busy day. At lunchtime I had an appointment at Hairaway in Shaftesbury Avenue for genital laser hair removal (not nearly as painful as I expected, but I must remember to take the painkillers with me next time!), and at 4pm I had an appointment with my hairdresser in Basingstoke.

I got back into town at 2pm, so I had plenty of time to have an unhurried lunch (Basingstoke has lots of places to eat now!) and wander round the shops before my appointment. I came away with some shoes, a very cool gypsy skirt, a little black dress and a couple of tops - all at very reasonable prices (I've a bit of an eye for a bargain...).

In the evening I watched a movie which I knew would upset me. Despite that, I felt I had to watch it - my life is relatively easy and free from bigotry or (worse) violence, but many aren't so lucky, and I sometimes we all need to remember how fortunate we are.

It's called Boys Don't Cry and is the story of a young female-to-male transsexual called Brandon Teena, who was murdered by men he considered his friends on New Years Eve 1993 in Falls City, Nebraska.

I cried, I laughed and - in the end - I raged. Mad as hell at the stupid homophobic bastards who cause so much suffering and pain among my brothers and sisters.

He's not the only one to die through violence.

Remembering our dead