Journal

Welcome to my online journal, which I started in December 2002 after several very persuasive hints from friends. Although I obviously don't write about everything that happens in my life here, I hope it'll provide an insight into who I am and what's happening in my life - whether good, bad, happy or sad.

Archives


    March 2017

      No Mandate for May-hem
      I can't help feeling sad today. I grew up in a world where Europe was our future, where our horizons were expanding and dictatorships falling to democracy. When the Berlin Wall fell, I rejoiced and wished I was there. ...


    December 2013

      Blue Christmas
      Christmas is a such difficult time of the year for so many people. If you are struggling or spending Christmas alone this year, my prayers are with you. Be safe. ...


    August 2013

      A bit of a new look
      Well, it seems pigs do indeed fly...after a long period (we're talking years) of dithering about it I've finally got around to re-theming the site. The changes should be pretty straighforward, but if you notice anything weird just drop ...


    July 2013

      Bourne Free 2013
      The second weekend in July every summer is Bourne Free - Bournemouth's Pride Festival, and this year was no exception. As usual there were a crowd of us from MCC Bournemouth in the parade, and at midday on Sunday ...

      London Pride 2013
      Over the past year I've been keeping myself rather busy at work, at home and in my church. The latter is of course the Metropolitan Community Church of Bournemouth - an inclusive church with a specific ministry to LGBT ...


    November 2011

      Wessex Belle
      Being a software engineer, my work "uniform" is most usually a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt. It's a pretty laid back profession, which suits me fine most of the time. However I think it is good to have ...


    October 2011

      Purbeck Raindrops
      A slightly different view of Corfe Castle, taken while out volunteering on the Swanage Railway today: Technically this shot isn't particularly good (it was taken with a point and shoot camera on a whim), but I think the raindrops ...

      Mixing it all up
      One of my friends in the church sent me this photo of me setting up the mixing desk for the open air MCC service at this year's Bourne Free Pride Festival: ...


    September 2011

      Who is this lady?
      When I started on this journey 10 years ago I didn't even dare expect to succeed, much less to be accepted and in any way "successful" (whatever that means). Thankfully I've been blessed (or lucky if you prefer) in ...


    July 2011

      Bournemouth Triathlon 2011
      The Bournemouth Triathlon has to be one of the most colourful events to happen in the town. From a photographer's perspective it's an opportunity that it's hard to ignore, and this year was no exception: ...


    June 2011

      Separation and Loss
      I'm in a very disconcerting place this morning. Last night - and purely by accident - I discovered that my mum died at the end of April. Although we were never close (especially since my transition in 2002) that's ...


    February 2010

      Retreating from the world is harder work than you expect
      Every organisation needs to take stock and regroup every so often, and believe me churches are no exception. Although I've been a Trustee of MCC Bournemouth for something like a year now, we've not had a chance to do ...

      A new and slightly different challenge
      I've never been one for too much routine. Fortunately, neither is Beth - since we met in 2004 she has constantly challenged my assumptions about our life and how we live it - everything from what we eat to ...


    January 2010

      Change we (are not allowed to) see
      This is just classic. Some bright spark at Labour HQ thought it would be a good idea to start a Flickr group for photos recording Labour's achievements since 1997. Unfortunately they didn't anticipate that photographers would instead post scans ...

      Self Explanatory
      ...


    December 2009

      2009: Ups, Downs, Potholes and Fog...
      When I took the picture above on Boxing Day (it's taken from the summit of Titterstone Clee in Shropshire, by the way) it occured to me that it rather symbolised the year we've just been through - a a ...


    April 2009

      Heartwarming Blog Post from a parent
      It is an unfortunate fact that far too many transpeople have bad experiences with their families when the come out. Faced with that reality it is heartwarming to hear from a parent who has been strong enough to support her ...


    March 2009

      Help me know you are near
      Draw me close to you Never let me know I lay it all down again To hear you say that I'm your friend. You are my desire No one else will do. 'Cause nothing else could take your place, To ...


    July 2008

      Pride London - We trusted you, but you've let us down
      Despite the progress that has been made over the past few years in the rights of LGBT people in the UK, there have been regular signs that the rights of trans people have been lagging behind. First there was the ...


    May 2008

      "Only an expert can deal with the problem"
      Back in January Beth bought tickets for a Laurie Anderson concert at the Barbican (part of the "Homeland" tour). I'd not come across her before, but what little I've heard through Beth is quirky and interesting. This sort of performance ...


    April 2008

      We're going to the FlugTag
      Five years ago I (entirely by accident) stumbled onto TV coverage of the Red Bull Flugtag in Hyde Park. If you don't know of the event it's a kind of "Wacky Races meets It's A Knockout" sort of thing - ...


    December 2007

      Feeling crap for christmas
      I've got a cold. Not the usual runny nose irritating kind, but the full fledged "I've barely got out of bed in 3 days and feel like I'm dying" kind. I'm not sure which hurts more - my head or ...

      The Wacky Things Friends Get Up To
      Beth and I travelled up to Maidenhead on Saturday to join a celebration of my friend Rupert "Don't Point That Moot At Me" Mortiary's 40th birthday at the Stag and Hounds in Pinkneys Green. The Stag and Hounds is a ...

      Acceptance, Rejection and the Family
      At this time of year our thoughts quite naturally turn to our families. One of the downsides of being a transperson is that as soon as you seek help (whether medical in nature or just by talking to those you ...

      A few tears, but life goes on
      Yesterday, held a lot of tears, but thankfully they have just about passed now. I have to admit I have been having a hard time coping with being separated from my kids this weekend - especially with Christmas approaching, and ...


    October 2007


    September 2007


    August 2007

      A new variation on a favourite snack
      The other day when I wrote about our visit to Peppers By Post I mentioned that we'd brought some Poblano peppers back with us: We've now had a chance to try them (actually that's an understatement - they've all been ...

      Here Be Chillis
      Beth and I are both fans of spicy food, and over the past couple of years or so we've been experimenting with different styles. It was inevitable that sooner or later we would encounter the Habanero and Scotch Bonnet - ...


    May 2007

      Homophobia is alive and well and living in Eastern Europe
      The violence that exploded at Moscow Pride on Sunday should come as little surprise to any LGBT people who have followed events in Eastern Europe recently. Over the last year the Pink Paper has regularly carried stories highlighting institutional homophobia ...

      Legends is gone
      Sometimes the picture says it all. Legends was one of our favourite haunts in town (where else can I get a chocolate orange milkshake now...?), and this news comes as a bit of a shock - we simply had no ...


    March 2007

      Epithany?
      Something changed for me in Church today. I'm not quite sure what, but I have an idea. If I'm right, it's a good thing. A bit of background. Over the past few weeks I've been attending a membership/community building classes ...


    February 2007

      Road Pricing Petition
      About a week ago I became aware of an e-petition circulating within the UK which objects to the Government's proposed introduction of road pricing in the UK. Whilst I don't usually write about such petitions the sheer size of this ...

      Snow? What Snow?
      If the wall-to-wall coverage on the BBC this morning as anything to go by life as we know it is under serious threat. The problem? Only the first fall of snow this winter, that's all. I was brought up in ...


    January 2007

      I don't have problems with many things...
      ...but encouraging gambling is one of them. It should therefore come as no surprise that I'm rather happy that Bournemouth has today not been chosen as a site for one of New Labour's casinos. Yay! You've got to feel sorry ...

      Bus? What Bus?
      Although it is New Years Day today (and therefore most sane people will be at home with their families and a hangover) this morning we decided to take a wander into town and see if there was anything happening rather ...


    December 2006

      The Prodigal Daughter Returns
      9:30am We're on the road again - driving the 67 miles up the A1 from Acaster Malbis to my home town - Bishop Auckland in County Durham - a place I've not visited since the last time I saw ...

      The First Day
      As is always the case with holidays, our first full day in York didn't go quite as planned. First of all, the bus we were waiting for to take us into town didn't arrive (the fact that there was some ...

      A Chestnut Holiday
      Beth and I have just arrived at our holiday cottage at Chestnut Farm just outside York. This is the first time we've had a holiday like this (actually, it's the first time we've had a holiday since we met in ...

      A New Family Christmas
      When I was little I remember my family gathering each year for Christmas, and all the celebration (and drama!) that entailed. Those days are long gone now, and with the unexpected direction my life has taken it's the sort of ...


    November 2006

      Here be Squirrels
      When Beth first showed me her home I was struck by the variety of wildlife in her back garden. As well as the seagulls (this is Bournemouth, after all), pigeons and other birds (I'm no ornithologist, so I couldn't name ...


    October 2006

      Beer, Pastry, Lasagne and Gravy (or, Beth throws a dinner party)
      It's been a very busy weekend for us. For a while now Beth has wanted to host another dinner party (we've not had one since my birthday last year), and this Saturday was the big day. This time, she chose ...

      Running around and hitting things...
      (...for those who know me, this has nothing to do with swords, halberds or anything else reenactment related...the "things" in this case are shuttlecocks rather than people). After a break of 8 or 9 years (I've completely lost count, but ...


    July 2006

      A sudden and unexpected loss
      Some very sad news I'm afraid. I heard on Friday that one of my close friends - Carol-Nerise Booth - passed away from a heart attack on Thursday. Apparently it was very sudden and there was no warning, so I ...

      Anna-Jayne Metcalfe, girl, born September 1966 at Clairmont, Bishop Auckland...
      I'm happy to say that the last stage in my application for legal recognition has now been completed - my corrected birth certificate arrived today. I've actually received two - a short-form birth certificate the cost of which was included ...


    June 2006

      Invasion of the Grockles
      This is what happens when the sun comes out in Bournemouth: I don't think I really need to say any more, other than that any tourist who feels the need to queue up to get into a KFC (believe me, ...


    May 2006

      Off to Brighton again
      Brighton is one of many places I have some past links with. Not only do I have friends there (as does Beth, oincidentally) but it's also the town that's home to S.C.U.M. (South Coast Unaffiliated Mercenaries), who have got to ...


    April 2006

      Brain bending recognition
      My Gender Recognition Certificate arrived yesterday. It's only a piece of paper really, but its interesting what legal effect it now has (within the UK at least). Before it arrived I could legally walk into any registry office in the ...

      "Turn off your phones, or better still: switch to vibrate, lie back and enjoy..."
      ...so says the introduction to Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues, and very apt it is too. I've never really been a theatregoer (more from lack of opportunity than inclination I think) but never let it be said I'm not one ...


    March 2006

      One last small step
      On Monday I took what is arguably the last step on my transition and (finally!) sent off my application for a UK Gender Recogition Certificate (also known as a GRC). I have to admit that despite all the hassle of ...

      A friend in need
      Beth and I are in shock right now. Last night we heard that Jo Sinclair - a close friend of ours - in in hospital after suffering a stroke on Sunday. Ironically, we visited Jo and her wife Judith just ...


    October 2005

      UK: No Welcome in the Hillside
      Some of the things I hear regularly on some of the online support forums about the experiences many transpeople in the UK have had with so-called "health professionals" never cease to amaze me. Although I consider myself to have been ...


    September 2005

      Not quite 40 (yet!)
      A big thank you to everyone who turned up for my Birthday celebration this weekend. It was a fantastic weekend, and I feel proud to call you all my friends. Next year is the big one of course!! ...


    August 2005

      Rest in peace, Joan
      I've just had some sad news. Joan Adams - who I met briefly in Chonburi in November 2003 when I arrived for my reassignment surgery - has passed away. It was quite sudden. She recently had a heart attack, and ...


    July 2005

      A Manifesto for Trans Healthcare in the UK
      This is interesting. As they've previously indicated, PFC are now piling on the pressure about the state and ethos of medical treatment for transpeople in the UK. Certainly, if my own experiences are anything to go by, change is well ...

      There are no words strong enough to describe this
      I received this from a Christian group this morning. Words fail me that any society could be so barbaric and cruel. Iran executes gay teenagers Two gay teenagers were publicly executed in Iran on 19 July 2005 for the 'crime' ...

      GRP Standard-Track application forms now available
      A quick update from Press For Change containing some news we've been waiting for for a long time. GRP Standard-Track application forms now available The Gender Recognition Panel (GRP) has just published the forms for applications under the "standard track". ...

      A Bourne Free Weekend
      This weekend is one we've been looking forward to for some time - the weekend of the second Bourne Free Festival - quite literally a riot of colour and laughter celebrating the diversity that is so part of life in ...

      From Manchester with Fun
      Beth and I have just spent an absolutely fantastic weekend visiting our friends Jo and Gabs up in Manchester for a party. This is an event that's been planned for quite some time, and we've been looking forward to it ...


    June 2005

      A bit of a new look
      Since I transitioned I've not made any significant changes in my appearance other than those brought on by hormones and surgery. It's a look which has suited me well, but looking back it was time I tweaked it a bit. ...

      Apocalpyse, Gentlemen Please
      It's always good to chill out in the evening, and this week is certainly no exception. Tonight Beth and I went into town to see The League of Gentlemen's Apocalyse at the cinema (one which Beth's been wanting to see ...

      Can it really be a year already?
      I can hardly believe it, but a glance at the calendar confirms it...today is the first anniversary of Beth and I meeting back on Friday 11th June last year. Wow! We've both been through a lot since that first amazing ...


    May 2005

      Middle Sex
      I've just watched a long and thought provoking documentary called "Middle Sex" on Channel 4. Of all of the programmes I've seen about us, this is by far the most hard hitting and in depth. After opening with a glamorous ...

      A couple of new friends in blogspace
      Just in case you don't notice, I've added a couple of new links to other journals/blogs (choose a name you prefer!) which I've just stumbled across. In case you can't find them, here they are: Veronica's Journal is colourful and ...

      Clarkson on the run
      This evening I was channel flicking briefly while waiting for my bath to run and came across something that had me in absolute hysterics - I briefly caught the end of Top Gear, to see Jeremy Clarkson being chased across ...


    April 2005

      South Parked?
      Although I've done a couple of bits of film work in the past* I've never had an offer of a walk-on part in South Park. * A shoot for the BBC series Decisive Weapons in which The Morrigan and Scum ...


    March 2005

      Migraine
      It's just my luck to get a 3 day long migraine over the Easter weekend! Grrr... What's interesting is that I often have these migraines on a regular basis (invariably around a month apart), and that this time in particular ...

      Back in the water
      I was right - we've been back in the pool again. This weekend we paid our friends Carolyn and Helen a long overdue visit, and with Carolyn being a scuba instructor a weekend swim seemed like an ideal way to ...

      Good weather and even better exercise
      Hey! It actually looks like the nasty, horrible, cold weather that we call "winter" may be just about over for a while. With that of course comes the end of the road gritting season, and with it less dirt being ...

      A (very) unexpected face from the past
      Now this is so coincidental its almost scary. Most people come across a huge number of people during the course of their career, but the vast majority are people you'll never meet again once you leave that environment. So it's ...

      Zweihander...
      It's funny how things from our past eventually come back to us. Although I've not been active on the re-enactment circuit since 1998 (and was completely out of touch for several years following that) it seems tha re-enactment is just ...


    February 2005

      Giving Thanks
      A week ago I was quite frankly a mess, and when I came to Church last Sunday it was with a heavy heart, for I knew that on Tuesday morning I faced an appointment I was really not looking forward ...

      One of the "old guard" of gender psychiatrists is under fire...
      There are two main paths of treatment for transpeople in the UK - NHS or private. Whilst the private route places a great deal of responsibility and flexibility in the hands of the patient, the NHS route is reputedly more ...

      To wonderful friends, good food and good music
      Today is one happy day. Not only did an appointment this morning (which I expected to be painful and difficult) go far, far better than I anticipated, but we spent the remainder of the day in the company of friends, ...

      "There must be a full moon out there tonight"
      I've never really been one to fit in with others' expectations. Even if you disregard the gender issues I used to have, I was always different in one respect or another. As a case in point: by the time I ...

      What an amazing picture!
      Every so often in our lives a picture is taken which says so much about who we are, and how we feel. We think it's time we shared one such picture - one which we feel shows our love better ...

      Finding Nemo
      We watched Finding Nemo tonight. It was absolutely hillarious, but I found parts of it profoundly upsetting, as the theme - a father searching for his child - tugged at a wound I carry with me in my heart. Once ...


    January 2005

      Anatomy for Beginners
      Like many people in the UK I've been watching Channel 4's Anatomy for Beginners this week. I I have to say I've found it absolutely fascinating - it's one thing to read how the body works, but something else to ...

      The girl I fell in love with loves my muffins...
      We've all got an occasional foody treat we like. Some combination of ingredients, prepared in a way unique to us, and frequently, well....odd. I'm certainly no exception, and over time I've gone through my fair share of fads. Most of ...

      Back from London
      Well we're back from London now, and trying to catch up on everything we missed while we were offline for the day. London's a strange place. Although it's about as impersonal and frantic as a city can be, there are ...

      Off to see Uncle Russell again
      Just a quick heads up for anyone likely to be in the vicinity of the London Institute (Dr. Russell Reid's practice) in Earls Court on Thursday. My 1 year post-op follow up appointment is at 12:30pm, so if you're in ...

      A night at the ballet...
      I'm always open to new experiences, but like most people many of the things I'd like to try (parascending or learning to fly are good examples!) are likely to remain unfulfilled. Ultimately, time, money and the other day to day ...

      True friends will always be there
      I had a long overdue chat to my friend Bev tonight. Although it's been a little while since we've spoken and both of our lives are in the process of changing significantly at the moment, the time doesn't seem to ...

      "Fast Track" Gender Recognition Applications can now be made
      I've just received the following from Press For Change. It should be self explanatory: GENDER RECOGNITION APPLICATION FORMS AVAILABLE On 4th January 2005, the Gender Recognition Panel (GRP) will make the first application packs for fast track and overseas gender ...

      The new year brings recognition for two of our own
      Another bit of news from PFC. Two of their campaigners have been awarded honoursin the New Year Honours Lists: UK: The Recognition We All Share Many thanks to Tracy for announcing the news about the awards contained in the New ...

      Tickling the New Year in...
      Enough said. Happy New Year from us both! Postscript: To all those who sent us anonymous New Year Greetings by txt message from numbers we didn't recognise, or whose mobiles weren't accepting any more messages - Happy New Year! ...


    December 2004

      Even measles can't keep me down at the moment!
      I never did do childhood diseases. Not as a child anyway - all I had was whooping cough as a toddler (fortunately I'd been immunised against that one) and a mild case of glandular fever at secondary school. All the ...

      Happy Christmas
      The cards are done (and even better, posted) and now we can relax. For Beth and I this is going to be a Christmas amongst friends, although we are of course going to visit her family too. Wherever you are ...

      The end of Blunkettophobia?
      We heard last night on the way to my electrolysis session that David Blunkett - the UK Home Secretary - had resigned. I'm not generally much of a political person, but I have to admit he made me nervous. I ...


    November 2004

      PFC: Something Rotten in the State of the Profession
      With the Gender Recognition Act and Civil Partnerships Act now both Law, Press For Change now seem to be focusing on the rather unsatisfactory (and that's putting it mildly) state of medical treatment available to trans people in the UK. ...

      The Civil Partnerships Bill is now set to become Law in the UK
      The passing of the Gender Recognition Act 2004 earlier this year left a huge uncertainty over the position of married couples where one partner has transitioned. For those people (whom the UK Government repeatedly refused to grant full legal recognition ...

      Can it be one year already?
      I can scarcely believe it! A year ago today I was lying unconscious in Operating Room 2 in Aikchol Hospital, awaiting my rebirth at the caring hands of Dr Suporn and his staff. One year post-op already? Wow! It's been ...

      ...but the postman made me get out of the envelope!
      It's my Dad's birthday today, and once again I've sent a card without the expectation of a response. This time I also included a picture of Beth and I taken recently. Just looking at it you can see the ...

      Everywhere I go I find Faith - and wonderful people
      It's been a long but fun weekend. On Saturday Beth and I were in London for a meetup with Friends from AVEN - the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. Asexuality seems to be a very topical subject for the media ...


    October 2004

      Halloween = Another excuse to wear black (as if I needed one!)
      If you're wondering where the new picture at the top left hand corner of the journal pages came from it was taken at a halloween party we went to last night. It's been absolutely ages since I've been to a ...

      It could be Ireland's turn next
      Those of you who have been following the progress of the Gender Recognition Bill (now established in Law as the Gender Recognition Act) in the UK may know that the Government was forced to change UK Law as a result ...

      Bourne Free Day
      Today was a first - we attended an LGBT demonstration! The event was "Bourne Free" - a celebration of diversity by LGBT people in the Bournemouth area. Although I believe the event was originally intended to be just an afternoon ...

      On the sofa, no one can hear you squeal....
      This weekend was another busy one. On Saturday morning Beth and I drove up to Stoke on Trent in the Midlands to visit my friend Elaine. She's been down to visit me twice so far and we thought it was ...


    September 2004

      Gender Recognition Act Survey from the Department of Constitutional Affairs
      I've just received the following message from the Gender Trust and Press For Change regarding the implementation of the Gender Recognition Act 2004. The Government is asking for feedback from transpeople as to if and when they are likely to ...

      Batman at the Palace
      On some days the news can be not only topical but also surreal. Campaign staged on Palace balcony A Fathers 4 Justice campaigner dressed as Batman is staging a protest on the Buckingham Palace balcony. Jason Hatch, 33, entered the ...

      "Series for Discovery Health- can you help me?"
      Every so often I receive emails from TV producers asking me to assist them with TV programmes about gender issues (the last one was a programme about the Reassignment Surgery I had last November, and before that it was This ...

      Good news - I'm still writing
      I'm pleased to say that - after a lot of deliberation - I've decided to continue my journal (as you can probably tell by the posts that have just appeared covering the intervening period). I will however be making some ...

      Anyone for a T-Party?
      This weekend has been a busy and fun one for us. On Saturday afternoon we both travelled up to London for a picnic organised by Press For Change to celebrate the Gender Recognition Bill becoming Law (it's now the Gender ...


    August 2004

      Warplucking
      Wi-fi gets everywhere these days. Even my rather battered Vaio laptop has had it for a little while now, and I have to say it's really convenient not having to run cables everywhere. With that freedom, there is of course ...

      On to new challenges
      Today was my last day working for Sonardyne International Ltd in Yately, Hampshire. Amazingly, I've been there for six years (and in fact it's only my second job since leaving University!). Until lunchtime today was almost surreal in its ordinariness. ...

      I'm spending less time tied to my bed these days
      I'm talking about dilation of course! For the first 6 months or so after my surgery in November, I had to dilate for now less than four hours per day - two sessions, each of two hours. At first it ...

      This could well be the last public entry I write here
      I'm sad to say that this could well be the last public entry I'll write in this journal. Although I've tried to share as much as I can of my life (and to educate and entertain along the way!) how ...


    July 2004

      New hormones, please!
      After over a year on Yasmin, I've finally switched to a safer (and more easily measurable) alternative. Although Yasmin has done wonders for my body (as anyone who's seen my figure will be able to confirm! ), it does its ...

      When I'm this quiet, it's because I'm kinda busy...
      Wow...it's 9 days since I've written anything! I guess that's an indication of how busy my life is at the moment! So what have I been up to? Mostly, I've been working, or driving between here and the my beloved...living ...

      FFS 6 months on
      It's hard to believe, but six months ago this morning I was lying on a table in Operating Room 2 at Aikchol Hospital undergoing Facial Feminisation Surgery. So much has happened since then, and now seems like a good time ...

      Meet the Parents
      I've been a very busy bunny...tonight is the first night I've spent in Basingstoke since Wednesday! Once again I spent the weekend with Beth but this time there was a surprise - her parents were visiting the area, and on ...


    June 2004

      When two Bishops meet two Gay Girls...
      Beth and I both believe that the only way to truly know each other is to experience as much of each others lives as we can. Obviously my Faith is a big part of who I am, and I know ...

      Mad Swans and Englishwomen
      It's been a very busy couple of days for Beth and I. This weekend we'd arranged to visit friends of mine who live in a pretty remote area in North Wales, and I booked Friday and Monday off work to ...

      Forget Endemol's version. Apparently this is the Big Brother House
      Now I've heard it all! Wednesdays are usually rather long days for me at the moment, as I have an electrolysis session in the evening which means I don't get home until at least 8:30pm. By the time I've eaten ...

      No justice for Gwen yet
      News broke this morning that the trial of the animals who brutally murdered 17 year old Gwen Araujo in October 2002 has - to the shame of the US legal system (in my opinion) - been declared a mistrial as ...

      Polearms and Perfume
      I had another training session with the Morrigan tonight - and this time I was playing with a polearm (6 feet of wooden haft with a nasty spikey bit on the end) rather than the shortsword and buckler or dagger ...

      Something wonderful happened this weekend
      Something wonderful happened this weekend. On Friday night I met someone truly special in ways I can't even begin to describe, and it feels as if so much has happened since then! Not surprisingly I'm seeing life from a rather ...

      The GerBill has passed Parliament!
      Break out the bubbly - here's the news we've been waiting for: From PFC - UK: Parliament passes the Gender Recognition Act! Dear Campaigners Here's the news we've all been waiting for. The Gender Recognition Bill has now passed ALL ...

      According to some people, Shrek 2 is a threat to civilised society...
      This cracked me up when I read it today. The very existance of transpeople seems to invoke absolute hysteria in some extreme sections of society, but this has got to be the most ridiculous outburst yet. One of the nastiest ...

      Way Out and about
      Just for once this week has been a busy one, and what better way to follow training on Thursday and the birthday party on Friday than by going clubbing on Saturday? Yesterday afternoon my friend Jane and I drove into ...

      Which Way Up?
      Last night I was at a surprise birthday party at the White Lion in Amersham for my old friend Kathy. Amersham is about an hour away from where I live, but having taken the afternoon off to visit the dentist ...

      Daggers and Dentists
      That's not (as it sounds) some odd roleplaying game, just what I've been up to over the last couple of days... Last night I did a little more sword training with the Morrigan. I managed to train for slightly longer ...

      Ever get the feeling you should be somewhere else?
      As I write this my housemate Andrea and her friend Naomi are on their way to Chang Mai in Thailand for a well deserved holiday. Neither of them have been to Thailand before, and I'm sure they'll just love it! ...


    May 2004

      Even after 6 years, I still know how to use a sword
      Those who've known me for a while know that I used to be involved in a historical re-enactment/living history group (The Hounds of the Morrigan). Although I left shortly before our firstborn arrived in 1998, since I transitioned I've often ...

      GerBill: "I am the Law"
      Fantastic news! We've just received word that the Gender Recognition Bill has passed its Third reading in the House of Commons by 355 votes to 46. Subject to Royal Assent it's now Law. Although there's still a long way to ...

      Laser + Bikini = Ouch!
      I've just spent another busy day with friends in London. As I had an appointment to have laser treatment on my "landing strip" (the treatment area is called "extended bikini") I thought I'd make a day of it and arranged ...

      Interrupted by two (not so) strange men...
      It's been a chilled out day. Yesterday Andrea and I decided we'd cook a roast today so this lunchtime the pair of us wandered over to Asda to buy what we needed. Although we totally cheated and bought a pre-cooked ...

      From Tears to Laughter: All it takes is friends
      I just wanted to say a big thank you to Jayne, Laura, Carol and Gail for meeting up with me after my rather traumatic appointment in London this afternoon. You turned an afternoon which would otherwise have been filled with ...

      I've come a long, long way
      Today is a bit of an anniversary - it's two years today since I first saw a consultant psychiatrist (Dr. Russell Reid) to discuss my feelings about my gender. By then I knew I had to transition if I was ...

      The little coincidences that litter my life
      I had another of those little "coincidences" today. While I was in Pattaya in February I went swimming for the first time in years...and certainly the first time in a bikini! I loved it, but since returning to the UK ...

      Can it really be six months ago already?
      Exactly six months ago today - 14th November 2003 - I was waking up on the morning of my reassignment surgery and thinking about what was to happen that day. I didn't even know if I'd live to see the ...

      Ouch, ouch and more ouch!
      I had my weekly electrolysis session tonight. The pain was much worse than usual - despite the painkillers (two tramadol and two ibuprofen) I take before each session and the anaesthetic cream (Emla) I apply to the areas to be ...

      Testosterone does strange things to some people
      Last night (while I was dilating naturally!) I was IM'd on Yahoo by a 25 year old guy. That's not at all unusual (as any woman with a Yahoo profile can probably attest), but usually when a guy I don't ...

      It's one of those days...
      It's been one of those days when I've felt like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall. It's not any single thing, but more a combination of them...broken builds, frustration at old code, lack of specifications for new products, ...

      10 years ago this weekend...
      So much can change in far less time than you realise. 10 years ago this weekend I was standing on the field at Battle Abbey (near Hastings) participating in my first major re-enactment event. The event was called "Armies Through ...

      Taking a break from the Throw-It-All-In School of Catering
      Last night was one of those rare evenings where I actually cooked from a receipe. That's unusual enough for me, but even more atonishing is that I prepared two dishes at once - a Mushroom and Green Coriander Curry and ...

      I think I've narrowly escaped having a hangover today
      I think I've narrowly escaped having a hangover today. Last night was one of those rare nights when I had a chance to get out and party. The occasion was a leaving party for my housemate Angie, who's flying back ...


    April 2004

      A new look for Tears and Laughter...well sort of!
      Those of you who read my journal regularly may notice a subtle change in it today. Although it still looks largely the same, the implementation has been given a thorough overhaul and is now a bit more flexible and easier ...

      We apologise for the inconvenience...
      When I checked my email after getting back from Cardiff today I found a message from my site host (www.easily.co.uk) saying my account had been suspended because its bandwidth was exhausted. That's fixed now (and I'm ...

      Technoclutter
      Ever get the feeling that your desk is a bit overloaded? On the premise that a picture tells a thousand words, here's a pic I took today of my desk at work: This is getting silly. The yellow box on ...

      Big tent, small sword...
      Another little bit of my past came home today - my authentic medieval tent. It's been in storage with friends (thanks Martin and Helen!) for over a year now, and it's about time I took it off their hands! For ...

      All (too) quiet on the K-Y Jelly front
      The latest episode in my quest to find tubes of K-Y Jelly which fit the applicator I use while dilating has just arrived in my inbox. Unfortunately, it's not exactly positive: Dear Ms Metcalf Ref: 000118329A Following our recent telephone ...

      Thank you
      I just wanted to take the opportunity to everyone who's called or emailed me since finding out I was feeling down. A special thanks to Andrea who dragged me out shopping yesterday afternoon, and Patrico and Rosalind who took me ...

      I should be celebrating this weekend
      I should be celebrating this weekend - it's three years since I found my Faith, and that Faith has led me to heal myself (in a way I certainly never expected) and begin my life anew with joy in my ...

      A letter I've been half expecting - but it still made me smile...
      When I got in from work this evening I found a letter from my GP's surgery waiting for me: RE: CERVICAL CYTOLOGY SCREENING - ROUTINE CALL "You are invited to make an appointment to have a cervical smear test as ...

      Two years of hair removal
      While I was at my weekly electrolysis session tonight it struck me that it's now over two years since I started facial hair removal in preparation for my transition. So far, here's what I've had done - and how much ...

      Birthday celebrations
      It's been a long, relaxing weekend amongst very good company - I've been down in Kent visiting Susie and celebrating her birthday! Although I'd planned to work on Friday and drive down in the evening, by Thursday lunchtime I was ...

      Spare Head 2 finds a new home...
      In the early months after reassignment surgery, a regular dilation routine is essential. If you don't do it, the body will attempt to heal itself - and the neo-vagina will be crushed by the muscle surrounding it. Ask any woman ...


    March 2004

      Happy Birthday Susie!!
      Today is my friend Susie's birthday. It's not often I find a card which says so beautifully and exactly what I feel, but this one (which I had for a couple of weeks before sending it on Monday!) is most ...

      Justice for Gwen? Let's hope so
      I've just received a copy of the following press release from the National Transgender Advocacy Coalition (NTAC): Araujo Murder Trial Scheduled to Begin March 29 On October 3, 2002, 17-year-old Gwen Araujo was slowly and brutally murdered at a party ...

      Sensitivity, Sensuality and what lies beyond
      I'm getting to the point in my recovery where it's obvious that I've healed enough to start thinking about where I'm heading in my life - and by inference what my body is capable of now. Although I've never been ...

      K-Y II: The Jelly Strikes Back
      The saga continues. I'm happy to say that I've now found a source for metal tubes of K-Y Jelly - which I find much more convenient for dilation than the plastic ones you can get in the chemist. Even better, ...

      More post-op blues...or back-to-work blues?
      This isn't like me at all. For the last couple of evenings I've been very tearful and tonight it's happened again. I honestly can't pinpoint the reason, though I can't rule out post-op blues (common in the immediate post-op period...and ...

      My MP and the GerBill, part deux
      I've had a reply from Andrew Hunter MP to my letter asking why he voted against the Gender Recognition Bill at its Second Reading in the Commons (see Why doesn't my MP like GerBills? for the beginning of this saga). ...

      One week on: the other kind of full-time
      Somehow I've made it through my first full week at work since November. I'm exhausted! Having had my start time moved back to 9:30am has helped a lot...I honestly think I wouldn't have made it had the company insisted on ...

      Men, their hang-ups and why we often have to lie to them about who we are
      One of my friends is going through sheer hell right now - and all because of men and their hang-ups and insecurities. That may seem harsh, so I'll explain for those who can't guess what I'm talking about. After coming ...

      In at the deep end...
      My honeymoon period at work is over - next week I go back full time. That's a pretty daunting prospect, but one made easier by the fact that my local management have now managed to officially get permission (from the ...

      Motivation 101
      Don't you just hate it when you do your best and it's not enough? When I arranged my surgery last year I negotiated a staged return to work (starting at the beginning of March) as I knew that if I ...

      Getting a life, Part I
      It's been an interesting and fun day. Although I was too tired this morning to make it to Church, this afternoon Andrea and I went up to The Vyne for a look around, with the aim of taking a few ...

      Fun and games with K-Y jelly
      Sometimes the simplest things can cause the most trouble. Since I was about 6 weeks post-op I've been using an applicator to libricate myself before dilating. The applicator screws onto the end of a standard 82g tube of K-Y, and ...

      My first day at work since 10th November...
      Today was every bit as tiring as I expected, and even with my my 5am start I was still 40 minutes late into work! Not a lot's changed while I've been away. A couple of people have left (one from ...


    February 2004

      Faith, Hop and Charity...
      Today is my last day of freedom before going back to work tomorrow. It feels a bit daunting, particularly the prospect of getting up at 5am to dilate! This morning I started my dilation at 6am so that I could ...

      An abomination against humanity
      I couldn't sleep last night (a habit I'm really going to have to break before I go back to work on Monday) and at 4am this morning I finally gave in and turned on the TV to distract me. What ...

      Transfolk with Faith
      I never cease to be amazed at how many Christian transfolk there are. Ever since I started my journey, I've come across one after another - often in the most unlikely circumstances! It happened yet again last night. Sadly, many ...

      Why doesn't my MP like GerBills?
      I'm wearing my activist hat today. The second reading of the Gender Recognition Bill in the House of Commons took place on Monday evening, and I've just been reading the transcript of the debate. It's interesting to see how MPs ...

      Weigh-a-Goth
      Now here's an interesting thing. It's not often I'm surprised in a nice way by my bathroom scales in the morning, but that's what happened today - I weighed in at 136.4 lbs (9 st 10.4 lbs). That's rather surprising ...

      Who turned off the Summer?
      I'm finally back in The Land of a Thousand Roundabouts. I was met at Heathrow yesterday evening by my friends Kirsty and Charlotte and spent last night at their flat, before coming back here this morning. Thanks girls! It's wierd ...

      Painful Goodbyes
      I've never liked goodbyes, and especially not when the friends I'm saying goodbye to will be so far away so soon. This afternoon I said goodbye to my friends at the Suporn Clinic (especially Wannee, Aey, Fai and Aoi) for ...

      Sawat-dii kha!
      Tonight is my last night in Chonburi following my FFS with Dr. Suporn on 21st January. Tomorrow I check out for the trip to Bangkok, before my flight to Heathrow on Tuesday. I can't believe I'm going, and that all ...

      UK: Lords PASS the Gender Recognition Bill by 3-1
      Some rather important news from Press For Change that broke here in Thailand yesterday. We were celebrating here in Thailand last night! In a division which was counted at 18:37, the House of Lords passed the Gender Recognition Bill (GerBil). ...

      Partying in Pattaya
      We're now in Pattaya in the Royal Twin Palace Hotel. Although it's not up to the same standard as the Mercure in Chonburi it does have the advantage of having a swimming pool and being in Pattaya (where there's much ...

      In only two weeks I'll be home again
      The days are passing fast here now. I fly home in just under two weeks - it'll be a big wierd coming to terms with winter weather again after getting used to the heat in Thailand (the temperature here is ...


    January 2004

      Relief from the tears (for now)
      The tears have largely stopped now (friends here have helped a great deal with that), and I'm slowly starting to adjust to the change that's happened between us. Despite that, the feeling of intense loss remains - coupled with a ...

      Sometimes I hate being me
      When I fall for someone, I fall for them hard. There's no "gentle attraction", no flirting, no preliminaries. Once that emotional connection is established my love is unconditional and complete unless it's betrayed - and even then it's survived on ...

      Naming my recently acquired Thai boyfriends...
      Anyone who's been a patient of Dr. Suporn will be able to tell you about the infamous "Thai Boyfriend" handed out to patients of the clinic, and I'm certainly no exception. Until now, my stents (surgical dilators) have been anonymous. ...

      Hey, it works!
      After my dilation tonight things took a rather interesting turn, to say the least! Since my reassignment surgery on 14th November (10 weeks and 3 days ago) I've felt a little nervous (to say the least!) about exploring the sensations ...

      A Goth loose in Thailand
      I'm pleased to say that I've now been released from my recent incarceration in Aikchol Hospital following my FFS last Wednesday and am now lurking in room 404 of the Mercure Hotel, and scaring the locals with my impression of ...

      Back to Chonburi
      Well I'm lurking in Thailand again and just wanted to send everyone a big wave before I transferred to Aikchol Hospital for my FFS in a few minutes time (as the saying goes, Wannee has entered the building...) and go ...

      Almost time to fly again...
      In just a few hours I'll be back on the way back to Chonburi for my FFS. Although it'll be wonderful to see everyone again, I'm flying out alone this time and the one person I desperately want to share ...

      A very upsetting and stressful day
      I thought yesterday was bad enough but it was a picnic compared to today. My appointment at the Portman Clinic was at 3:45pm, and as I haven't been there before I left home early. It was just as well I ...

      Sometimes you can just feel someone's pain
      This morning I dilated early (I'm getting the hang of it, but I usually fall asleep!) and went to the 10:30 service at my Church. It's the first time I've been since arriving back in the country, so it was ...

      A Goth loose in Basingstoke (but practicing for Thailand)
      It's been a fun evening. Yesterday when I went into work I arranged to meet up with my friends Martin & Helen (and as it turned out, their friend Pip) for a meal in town tonight - 6pm at an ...

      8 weeks, and all's well...
      I'm 8 weeks post-op today, and what a day. Yesterday I was planning to drop into work and say hi to everyone. In the event I wasn't feeling too well (migraines are a pain) and one look at the wet ...

      Minister, can you spare some honey?
      Well I'm finally back in the Land of a Thousand Roundabouts - Susie drove me back late yesterday and we spent today chilling out, jump starting my car (it's been sitting in the garage for nearly 8 weeks and didn't ...

      Happy New Year folks!
      As befits post-op girls of the class of 2003, Susie and I are of course dilating the New Year in... Being the strange and extrovert souls we are deep (or not so deep) down when we got back from a ...


    December 2003

      A surprise visit
      It's been another busy day - we've again had visitors. Helen arrived late morning, and shortly afterwards Patrico (one of my housemates from Basingstoke) and his girlfriend Rosalind dropped in quickly on their way to Dover. The visit came about ...

      A wonderful Christmas, despite being ill!
      Well Christmas Day is past once again, and with it the first anniversary of my transition. A year ago I certainly never expected to be post-op by now (I was expecting it to take a couple of years)...but that's how ...

      Recovery
      After my completely OTT spurt of writing while in Thailand (do a search for "Dr Suporn" in Google and you'll see what I mean! ) I've not much written much since getting back. I'm recovering well, although still pretty weak ...

      I'm back!
      Firstly, I'd like to say a huge thank you to everyone who's sent me messages of support over the last few weeks. Today is the first time I've checked my email since leaving Chonburi and I'm truly stunned by what ...


    November 2003

      The GerBill cometh...
      I'm still out in Thailand (see my GRS Diary) but while checking my email I noticed the following message from the Gender Trust: The Queens Speech You may well be aware that the Queen's Speech and the news around it ...

      Whole at last!
      Just a quick note to say that my surgery last Friday went well with no complications and I'm doing fine. I'm now recuperating in the Mercure Hotel in Thailand, and enjoying the experience immensely, despite the inevitable pain and discomfort. ...

      Time to fly
      I'm just about to fly. See ya soon! ...

      Empathy, pain and separation from those we love
      The Church service this morning was a moving experience for two reasons - not only is it Remembrance Sunday today, but also the last service I'll attend before my surgery next Friday. Everyone there was wonderful to me, and I ...

      Just a week from now...
      Well, my surgery starts exactly a week from now. I suppose should be feeling nervous, but oddly I'm not...maybe the nerves will strike when the Thai nurses come to escort me to theatre, or the night beforehand when they clean ...


    October 2003

      Next stop - withdrawl symptoms!
      Into the home strait now. I've just stopped my hormones in preparation for my surgery. Next stop - withdrawl symptoms! ...

      A wonderful weekend
      I've just spent a wonderful weekend visiting my friend Susie in Kent. After a lazy morning on Saturday we did a little shopping in Canterbury, before visiting a local bar (Bar 11) and then going for a meal at an ...

      Isolation at work
      Anyone who...

      Baht Monopoly
      I changed currency for my trip today so I now have a pile of cash with extremely silly denominations. Fancy a game of Monopoly...? ...

      Shopping for pressies...and a new addition to the family
      I'm feeling a little happier today - probably because I went shopping after Church this morning! My main reason for going in to town today was to see if I could pick out some Christmas presents out for my kids. ...

      A (too) quiet weekend
      I feel very alone tonight. It doesn't help that friends nearby who say they will call haven't. That hurts. With only a couple of exceptions, the friends who do call are those I've met on my journey - but most ...

      Four weeks to go...
      Exactly four weeks from now I'll be waking up on the morning of my surgery. What an amazing thought that is! The nerves haven't hit yet - and maybe they won't until the posse of Thai nurses arrives at my ...

      Good luck Toni!
      A little thank you to Toni, Tina and Maria for the wonderful and fun meal in Southampton on Saturday. I had a great time, and I hope it won't be too long before we all get a chance to do ...

      Having needles poked into your face is fun...honest!
      I had my first electrolysis session this evening (I've been having laser up until now, but it's not making any progress now). As I expected, it was painful, but nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. Emla ...

      U166 wreck survey
      Something a little different for a change. We received the following at work today: This week the NOAA Research Vessel RONALD H. BROWN is at the wreck of U-166, a Type IXC U-boat sunk in 1942 in the Gulf of ...

      Friends and nostalgia
      Yet another week passes, and with it my surgery draws ever closer. There's 5 weeks and just over 4 days to go now, and as each day passes I grow more reconciled with the next big step on my journey ...


    September 2003

      Something's just clicked in my head...
      Something clicked inside my head after I went to bed last night. As I lay there in that sedate state between awake and sleeping, I gently felt the skin between my legs where Dr. Suporn will construct my vagina in ...

      Another year passes
      It's my 37th birthday today. I've been half hoping that my parents would at least send me a card, but sadly there's no sign of one yet - and they aren't normally late. It's almost as if they are trying ...

      You'll never guess what I'm doing on 14th November...
      I'm quite frankly stunned. After three weeks of what can only be described as sheer emotional torture, something's finally happened to swing things back entirely. the other way. I'm not out of the woods yet, but this will most certainly ...

      No more laser treatment...at least on my face
      I had what could well turn out to be my last facial laser session this afternoon (the 17th believe it or not). Over recent visits the laser hasn't been anywhere near as effective as I'd like, but effective enough to ...

      Low, but coping better each day
      I'm still quite low (and very lonely) but coping better each day. This evening I went on a Thames River Cruise with my Church which I thoroughly enjoyed. It was good to be out on the water again, but I ...

      Depression does fade away...eventually
      Although I still feel numb, the depression's beginning to lift. That it's happening so quickly is undoubtedly due to the support and help I've had from friends, who've been absolutely fantastic to me. I'm under no illusions. The pain of ...

      Numb
      The last two days I've felt numb; almost emotionless. Somehow I've managed to struggle through work - I really don't know how. Tonight though the tears have started again. On a more positive note I received my referral letter for ...

      Perking up...and being slapped right back down
      I'm still hurting terribly, but thankfully the tears have stopped for now. Sunday night was ghastly. I hardly slept, and on the few occasions I did manage to doze off I invariably woke out crying my eyes out. I finally ...

      From depressed to broken hearted, with not much in between
      This is the last thing I expected. From depressed to broken hearted, with not much in between. I've let myself fall for someone - something I haven't done for a while. I know I didn't misread any signs...but tonight it ...

      Emotional Bouncing
      Well, I've bounced again! I can honestly say that this last week has been one of the hardest since I transitioned. Despite that, I'm certain that I'm making progress of dealing with depression when it hits - in the past ...


    August 2003

      A tragic loss of a sister and friend
      This is a very sad day. I've just heard the tragic news that Debbie Fox (one of the girls I met at Trans-MISSION earlier this month) has committed suicide. I really don't know what to say. Although I only met ...

      A little happier
      I'm feeling a lot happier this morning. Although I'm still dissapointed at the prospect of having to delay my FFS (and the problems with sick leave that could cause) the realisation that my reassignment surgery is now booked (on Wednesday ...

      A reply from the Suporn Clinic
      I've just heard from the Suporn Clinic, and they've changed their recommendations for me a little. Of special interest is that they're now recommending that GRS (Genital Reassignment Surgery) and FFS (Facial Feminisation Surgery) procedures are undertaken on separate visits ...

      On top of the world
      I feel on top of the world right now. Not only is the next (and biggest!) stage in my journey about to start, but yesterday showed me (as if I needed to be reminded!) just how much people care for ...

      Pick a date...
      Fantastic news! I've just had an email from the Suporn Clinic and they're now starting to take bookings for surgery next year. They say they'll be contacting everyone who's made an enquiry indivually soon, so now I've just got to ...

      Trans-MISSION
      Last night turned out to be a lot of fun! I think altogether there were 11 of us. Jane and I drove down together, meeting Susie and Amanda at the hotel (Citadenes, Barbican) shortly after we arrived. Carolyn turned up ...

      I am so glad I don`t have to hide...
      I had a lovely surprise this morning - a call from an old family friend, who I haven't seen for years. Her daughter (who I went to school with) read my story on Friends Reunited a couple of weeks back ...


    July 2003

      The post commenting scripts are back up
      Just a quick note to say that the commenting scripts are now working again. I didn't realise it, but the recent revamp of Blogger broke them...but fortunately a patch was available. As a quick note to one of my friends ...

      Paarrrrrtttttttyyyyy!!!!!
      Well that was some party! The hangover lasted until mid Monday (ow!) but it was well and truly worth it. I don't think I've been that drunk in quite a while! I think in total there were 21 people there ...

      Return to Tewkesbury
      I'm back! The weekend was amazing. I drove down to Kazzy's place in Weston as planned on Friday night, and arrived at about 10:30pm which gave us plenty of time to chat and catch up with everyting that's happened since ...

      I really need to get out and have some fun...
      What a week. The last couple of days at work have been absolutely awful - the isolation I feel there is so stifling that at times I just want to walk out of the place and never come back. Of ...

      A new passport, and an absent friend
      My new passport has arrived! The pic doesn't look at all grim either... Last night was fun, although Siobhan wasn't there and I missed her. On the plus side, it was the first time I've actually had a lift there ...

      Pain, but balanced by hope and progress
      I've been rather quieter than I usually am recently, and thought it was about time I talked a little about it, and where things are taking me at the moment. The painful stuff first. First and formost many of you ...


    June 2003

      I hate sleeping alone when I feel like this
      I'm feeling lonely and tearful tonight. I don't think there's any particular reason...it just happens from time to time. I hate sleeping alone when I feel like this. ...

      Time to start thinking about what I want to do - and when
      I've had a reply from the clinic, and I have to say it's pretty comprehensive. It looks like I was almost spot on in the procedures I picked out too. I need to do some serious thinking now about dates ...

      The countdown starts now...but I've no idea when the big day will be yet
      Today's a big day, in a way...I've just (finally!) sent off the initial surgery enquiry to the Suporn Clinic with the obigatory mugshots (thanks Julia!), so now it's time to play the waiting game for a few days and see ...

      No word from my Dad yet
      It's a week since I've written, but I guess I haven't been doing much to write about. On Saturday I went to visit Siobhan and I'm happy to say she's positively glowing - but so tired all the time (not ...

      Whenever I'm at my lowest, friends are there for me.
      It's been a turbulent weekend, but one that's reminded me just how much others care for and love me. Yesterday afternoon my friend Julia came around and we went out and did a little shopping (for a change I didn't ...

      I thought I was stronger...but I was so wrong
      After taking the day off sick yesterday I was feeling a little stronger so I went into work today thinking I could handle it. I was wrong...adding the isolation I feel there (I work in an otherwise all male team, ...

      Boys Don't Cry
      Yesterday was a pretty busy day. At lunchtime I had an appointment at Hairaway in Shaftesbury Avenue for genital laser hair removal (not nearly as painful as I expected, but I must remember to take the painkillers with me next ...


    May 2003

      Lasered Genitals (I kid you not!) and visiting Siobhan in hospital
      Well that was fun! I'm visiting a friend for the weekend and left my laptop at home...which was a great idea until I had some time to kill and decided to write a post here. It's taken me half an ...

      Siobhan's OK!
      I finally managed to speak to her on Friday lunchtime and found out that her surgery went fine and she's now on the road to recovery. I'm so relieved, and happy for her. I was so scared something would go ...

      Friends going "under the knife"
      I was planning to spend a relaxing evening tonight with a glass of something toasting all those friends who've helped me along and the wonderful future that I can see ahead of me, but I fell asleep at 8pm (I ...

      Charing Cross - cold wet and windy
      What a grim and gray day. It's cold, wet and windy...just perfect for a trip up to Charing Cross Hospital. Not. My appointment with Hairaway was cancelled at short notice this morning, and rebooked for Saturday 24th May, when I'm ...

      Another appointment with RR
      I've been in London today to see Russell Reid again (my 4th appointment). Although it's a bit of a pain travelling into London just for a (nominally) half hour appointment, today was definitely worth it. Not only did I meet ...

      Recovering from the weekend
      I'm recovering. This weekend I went to visit a friend and well let's just say I figured out something big about my sexuality while I was away.... ...


    April 2003

      My Easter
      I have to say that Easter has gone rather quickly. It doesn't feel like I've had 4 days off work, but I have! As planned I went to the Easter services at my Church on Friday and Sunday - the ...

      Life, sexuality and the weekend
      This week's gone quickly. It's just as well really, as I need a chance to recover from last week! Work is rather stressful at the moment as we've a product launch coming up...some days are interesting, others frustrating, upsetting and ...

      Three trips to London, one Dinner Party, and a whole pile of friends
      What a frantic week...three trips to London, one Dinner Party, and a whole pile of friends. It certainly makes a change, and I love it! I must admit I'm rather worn out now, and the Bakerloo Line is starting to ...

      Busy, busy, busy
      Last night I went to a meal with the Reading Beaumont group and it was simply stunning. It's going to take me at least a week to get my weight back down to where it was yesterday morning... I had ...

      A big day for a friend approaches
      Fantastic news! I rang my friend Siobhan tonight and she's got her date for surgery - 22nd May!! She's going to get one big hug off me when I see her tomorrow evening. I'm so happy for her. My time ...

      Still tearful and alone
      I'm still feeling alone and very tearful tonight (in fact it's been that way all day - but that's another story). What makes it harder to bear is that I know I'm such an optimistic person with so much to ...

      Friday night alone
      Well it's Friday night again and once again I'm sitting all alone in my room with only my laptop, my music and a few books for company. It's a strange feeling after living with a partner for so long, and ...

      No luck with Green - but a big surprise about funding of treatment
      It's been a busy day at work so I haven't had much time to think about things today. I'm still trying to get through to Richard Green with no success, so I've written to the Court Manager as suggested yesterday. ...


    March 2003

      Visiting a friend from across the water
      Yesterday was amazing. I left here at about 8:15am for the drive up to Norfolk, and finally got there (after the obligatory stop for cappuccino on the way up) about 4 hours later. It's a tiring drive, made worse by ...

      Knackered - but unfortunately not from partying
      I'm knackered. Not from partying (sadly) but just from day to day routine I think. Work is pretty busy at the moment which doesn't help, though at least it pays the bills! Last night I was at the local Beaumont ...

      I don't like Mondays...does anyone?
      It's Monday. I don't really need to say any more than that, do I? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. ...

      Trans-Curry...Windsor style
      Last night certainly lived up to expectations. We met up at a hotel in Slough before heading into Windsor, and as it turned out there were six of us rather than the five we were expecting. After arriving in Windsor ...

      Some good signs
      Well the week's over, and I'm actually feeling pretty good. There's certainly no sign of the depression that totally floored me last weekend. Last night I was planning to go to the Mayflower gathering in Totton, but instead my friend ...

      One day at a time
      I'm glad to say that this afternoon I finally stopped feeling tearful and depressed. Although I still miss my ex-wife as much as ever, I'm not distraught about it the way I was. I guess this cycle of alternating normality ...

      Grieving for the love we've lost
      It's been an awful day for me. When I dropped off the kids at my ex-wife's house yesterday afternoon she was her old self - the girl I love. I was in tears as I drove away, and I haven't ...

      Goodbye my love...and good luck
      Karen, my love. I just wanted to say that although everything went wrong for us I hope you'll be able to find the happiness I couldn't give you. I miss you. ...

      Laser, laser everywhere
      It's been a quiet week (and very boring if I'm honest). The only break from the routine was yesterday when I went up to London for laser treatment again - the 5th treatment on my chest (at Hairaway in Shaftesbury ...

      A birthday bash to remember
      Last night was fun. It was a birthday bash for my friend (and colleague) Martin, and ironically happened at a pub less than 100 yards away from my old house (and still only 2 miles from where I am now). ...

      Fantastic news!
      I have some fantastic news! Despite my foreboding, the Divorce Hearing went far better than I expected and we came away with an agreed settlement. Basically, the house is being signed over to my ex in return for a lump ...


    February 2003

      I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow
      I'm a bag of nerves tonight and hate the feeling. Tomorrow morning I've (yet another) Divorce Hearing at Basingstoke County Court. This is the one that should sort out the finances - the real formal one with barristers involved which ...

      The armour returns
      The last couple of days have been interesting. On Thursday night I went to a Mayflower gathering near Southampton and figured something out about myself in the process. Since the end of my transition and start of my Real-Life Test ...

      Reflections
      It's a lot quieter this week as you can probably tell by the lack of posts. Aside from working (it's starting to get busier again) I haven't done anything apart from see my kids on Sunday and sort out yet ...

      Alone on Valentine's Day...but am I upset? Not at all...
      You can probably tell it's been a busy week as I haven't posted anything since Sunday! I've actually been out for the last three nights which is something of a first! On Tuesday night I was visiting friends (I've been ...

      Maltesers, mead and medieval seige weapons
      You know that feeling you get when you know that if you'd had just one more drink last night you'd have a hangover? You guessed it - that's me today after last night's party. I arrived at about 8pm, and ...

      Off work, pizza and party = Happy Kitten
      I'm sure you'll be glad to know I'm feeling a lot happier now (because I'm not at work, maybe?). I had the kids over this afternoon and we went out for pizza (messy as usual!) then back to my place ...

      Feeling lost at work
      It's the end of the week and all I can say is "about time". Aside from laser on Wednesday, all week I've felt like a lost soul at work - depressed and liable to burst into tears without warning. I'm ...

      Grieving for the child I can never carry
      After the huge high of Saturday night I kept myself busy on Sunday afternoon sorting out the pictures of the evening. Yesterday was a strange day though. In the morning I was aware of feeling more and more out of ...

      Floating down from a big high
      I'm kinda floating down from a big high today. Last night was amazing - I got to the pub just after 7pm, and just before the first of my old friends (Sam & Michelle) turned up. The others gradually arrived ...

      Time to share a little bit of good news...
      For the last few years I've pretty much isolated myself from my close friends, to the extent that I haven't seen any of them for 5 years. Looking back, I can't believe I let that happen. Anyway, back in September ...


    January 2003

      All cried out
      Just a quickie today I'm afraid. Last night I finally cried myself out and fell asleep about an hour after writing the last journal entry. It still hurts, but I guess it always will to one extent or another. You ...

      GPs and their unwillingness to prescribe the treatment we need
      Fed up, tearful and annoyed. That's today in a nutshell. The reason? No matter what I try I still can't get my GP to take on my prescription. The main problem is the lack of licencing - as far as ...

      Caught in a lull
      I feel strangely empty today, and I can't really explain it other than to speculate that maybe I'm feeling that I'm caught in the lull between changing role and rebuilding my social life. I guess that brings out the loneliness ...

      I've been invited to a reunion! Some good news from my PCT too...
      Things are fairly quiet right now, although a handful of things worthy of mention have happened. Firstly, there's a bit of a reunion (between me and old friends in the area) being organised for Saturday 1st February. Earlier this week ...

      Starting to settle in
      Well I...

      My first day back at work as Anna
      Well, it's the end of my first day at work as Anna, and everything went just fine. I'm relieved, and happy! I must admit to some butterflies when I arrived this morning, but everyone has been fantastic and accepting...in fact, ...


    December 2002

      May God Bless you and your family this Christmas
      Wow. It's my last day as "Andy", and already it's lunchtime. I guess at least two-thirds of the company are off (lucky people) so the building is really quiet. My details on the systems here are all changed now, and ...

      Andy is gone. I'm here now.
      I'm glad to say I'm feeling a lot happier right now. Just for a little while, I want to forget about the beaurocrats and their intransigence - right now there are more important things in my life. Before I talk ...

      A call I've been dreading - but what a result!
      Yesterday I finally made another call I've been dreading for months - I talked to my brother about my transition. I'm happy to say he was just fine about it - surprised of course (lets face it - who wouldn't ...

      The date is set!
      This weekend went pretty well so I'm in a pretty good mood this morning. On Friday night I went to the Church Christmas Party (in drab sadly). At first I felt a bit out of place (I really don't know ...

      No longer mad, but resolved to do my best
      You'll probably be glad to hear I'm not mad anymore. Resolved, yes...but not bawling my eyes out or punching walls. Whatever happens, I'll do my best. At least after Tuesday's upset I've some happier news - my Deed Poll has ...

      Broken NHS Promises
      I hope you'll forgive me if I rant a bit. I'm MAD at the moment. Last week I asked my Doctor if she was willing to take over my prescription for hormones (...

      Upsides, downsides, philosophy and healing
      I'm glad I didn't try to write anything earlier - it would have been horribly depressing to read. I wonder if the anti-depressants are starting to kick in a little now (only the second day I've taken them)? OK, step ...

      People, and the understanding and sympathetic way they've treated me
      I had a real surprise on Tuesday evening - an email from one of the girls in my old Church. After being out of touch with everyone since having to leave at the start of July, it was a very ...

      A new place to live
      Great news - I've found a new place to live! More on that in a minute... Yesterday afternoon I saw my doctor (she was sympathetic as ever) about my hormone prescription and the depression I've been suffering recently. In September ...

      What a time to pick to start a blog!
      I'm going through a bit of a bad patch at the moment - what a time to pick to start a blog! Before talking about that though I think a quick update about where I am right now is in ...


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